


captain asshole is a morning person

by lazulisong



Series: sam deserves better than these assholes [15]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Gen, M/M, captain asshole
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 11:05:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3726403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lazulisong/pseuds/lazulisong
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam thought he got free of this shit when he retired. Bucky could have told him better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	captain asshole is a morning person

**Author's Note:**

  * For [stoatsandwich](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stoatsandwich/gifts).



> 1\. so this [happened in the comics apparently and I'm not saying I have a problem](http://stoatsandwich.tumblr.com/post/115992319931/lazulisong-waldorph-stoatsandwich) but I am saying my first reaction was "god damn it now I have to write a Sam story about it"  
> 2\. [no, I don't know how Bucky got these](http://www.amazon.com/Honey-Buns-Comical-Boxer-Shorts/dp/B00GFS9D7W/ref=cts_ap_3_fbt). I don't want to know. It probably involved Clint's low sense of humor.

At five thirty am, Sam heard Steve get up, both feet on the floor at once, and say, "Wow, Buck, lookit that sunrise!"

There was a muffled zombie noise from Bucky.

"Come on, it'll be a beautiful day for a run," said Steve. "I'll wake Sam up. We can go through the park before it gets crowded."

There was another angry zombie noise from Bucky, and then a muffled thump, like he'd tried to get out of bed and rolled out instead.

Shuffling. The door to Sam's room creaked open.

"Sam?" said Steve. "Sam, do you want to go for a run?"

Sam lifted his hand in the air and folded down three fingers and a thumb.

More shuffling. 

"Are you sure? Come on, it's gorgeous outside! Don't you want to enjoy it?"

"Go to hell, Army," said Sam from under his pillow.

"We could get bagels," said Steve.

"No, Steve," said Sam. "Don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you."

"Can't, Bucky's crawling through it," said Steve. 

This actually got Sam's attention enough to pull his head out and squint blearily toward the door. There was a large pink worm-creature wriggling its way to the bed, which, once Sam managed to focus, turned out to be Bucky wrapped in his fuzzy blanket from residential therapy. They'd initially been very apologetic about letting Bucky chose it, but Steve pointed out that Bucky'd had four sisters who had regularly practiced their pin curl technique on him, and also that hot pink microfleece was probably the furthest thing Bucky could think of from cold freeze and slow-thawing.

The worm creature slithered its way across the floor, reared up and rolled in an ungraceful movement over Sam to the far side of the bed by the window.

"Kill me," said the worm creature. "Kill him. Kill someone. Let me sleep."

"I feel you," said Sam, retreating under his pillow.

Steve sighed and Sam knew he was looking at them fondly. Bucky knew it too, because he took Sam's Air Force Build-A-Bear from Sarah off the headboard of the bed, and fired it at Steve.

"Fine, if you don't want to go out and enjoy this wonderful weather," said Steve, putting Major Bear carefully on the bed again. 

"We really don't," said Sam. " _Goodbye,_ Steve."

Steve closed the door.

"See if I sleep with him again," muttered Bucky.

"Hey, good job sleeping in a bed!" said Sam, and then wondered bleakly how his life had come to this. "Only, uh, maybe next time try your own and not Captain Asshole's?"

"He looked so warm," said Bucky. "And then --"

"I know, buddy, I know," said Sam. 

Sam drifted back toward sleep, but something occurred to him. He reached over and patted at Bucky over the blankets, down his back and toward his hip.

"I'm wearing boxers, dickface," said Bucky sleepily.

"Man's gotta draw a line," said Sam, into the pillow. It was warm with Bucky in the bed. Unlike Steve, Bucky could share a bed without soaking up all the space up like a mold, and he also ran a constant, low-grade super-soldier fever. It was their metabolism or something, Sam didn't know exactly and cared less. "When do you think he's gonna get back?"

"I don't give a rat's ass," said Bucky. To prove it, he stole one of Sam's pillows and tucked himself more closely into his bright pink cocoon.

Sam didn't either, as it turned out. 

When Steve got back, he flung himself across the bed and both their torsos. "Good morning!" he said.

"Fuuuuuuccckkkk meeeeee," said Sam from beneath 250 pounds of enthusiasm. Steve Rogers did not smell like justice and liberty. He smelled like gross white dude.

"This wasn't fucking cute when you were a hundred pounds, either," said Bucky. "Oh God, I'm having a flashback."

"What, really?" said Sam. 

"Yes, of Dum-Dum Dugan's armpit in my face," said Bucky.

"Yeech," said Steve. 

"So why don't you take it away?" said Sam. "Take your triggering armpit away from us before you make JB have an episode."

"It's seven thirty!" said Steve. "It's a beautiful day outside! I've got my best friends here and --"

"I don't know how you let him survive that long," said Sam to Bucky. "I really admire you, man, that must have taken a lot of patience and self-control. I would have smothered his skinny ass just for another hour of sleep."

"Wake upppppp," said Steve, rubbing his sweaty head all over Sam's nice comforter and Sam's shoulder under it.

"He used to crash after half an hour if you ignored him," said Bucky from under his pillow. "It was nice."

"Fine, I'm going to eat all the donuts by myself then," said Steve, making as if to push himself up. " _And_ the bagels." He got as far as rolling off Sam before Bucky clamped his left hand around Steve.

"No, you're not," said Bucky. "You're going to go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker and not eat any donuts until we get there."

"I don't know," said Steve. "I got those donuts by being at the shop when they opened. There was a line. Maybe I should keep them."

"Being ticklish isn't a _flaw_ , Rogers," said Bucky, with genuine menace. "They didn't fix it."

"Is he really?" said Sam, lifting his head. "Man, is that just a Irish thing? Riley was ticklish as all fuck."

"Let's not be hasty," said Steve. "How about -- how about I go start the coffee pot and take a shower and let you fellas wake up on your own time, how's that?"

"Sure," said Sam graciously. "That sounds great." 

Bucky uncovered his eye and looked at Sam. A single look passed between them, but it was enough. When Steve tried to pull away from Bucky, Bucky let him go just long enough for Sam to lunge in and get his hand under Steve's shirt and draw his fingers against Steve's torso. Steve shrieked and flailed straight into Bucky's waiting arms. Bucky headbutted him and sent him crashing to the floor before reaching for Steve's armpit.

"Fuck you!" gasped Steve, rolling up like a dung beetle. "I'm going to go and eat all the donuts myself now!"

"No, you're not," said Bucky, looking down at him.

"No, I'm not," said Steve.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sure you guys will be shocked to hear I complained that it was too hard making two guys cuddling in bed sound platonic, but I guess it's all part of living my best life.


End file.
